novelistic nomad

Don’t get me wrong, I have a plethora of insecurities. From my hair, to my skin, to my weight, and to everything else in-between. My insecurities are everywhere. Even when I feel content with my body, I am still very much aware that I am not what one would consider conventionally attractive. However, my biggest insecurity right now isn’t something physical… It’s verbal.

I always tell people that I wish I could speak as eloquently as I write.

When I write, I have the luxury of time – even when there are time constraints. I have the ability to stop, to breathe, and to think. I don’t stutter or stumble over my words. When I get distracted, I am able to swiftly recover and course correct without sounding like I had no idea what I was talking about to begin with. I don’t find myself struggling to get from one point to another. I sound as smart as I know I am.

But when I speak? It just isn’t the same.

It’s like my thoughts are all fighting for dominance and the result is Frankenstein’s monster meets the Indy 500. They move faster than my mouth can keep up with, so all I get is some convoluted disaster of a sentence. And if there is a distraction? I wind up needing a reminder on what I was talking about to begin with. Sometimes, it’s not even a distraction that hinders my words – sometimes it’s just me overexplaining the most simplest of topics.

I know what I want to say, but I have a difficult time conveying it. And I know that people see me differently for it.

There are things that I can write coherently in paragraphs that I struggle to say in sentences. I don’t feel the pressure or vulnerability that comes with speaking. I can express myself in a way that I only wish I could do when in conversation. It is as if I can only find my real voice through text.

Maybe I am just better at reflecting than reacting.

I know that very soon everyone – myself included, maybe – will be reflecting on the year we are leaving behind and creating personal goals for the year we are eager to begin. Perhaps this will be one of my resolutions… To focus on focusing and to give myself an opportunity to respond better verbally.

Maybe 2026 will grant me the gift of (eloquent) gab.